1. Over 95% of all divorce cases settle before they go to trial, so try mediation rather than taking an adversarial position. To find out if the Divorce Without War® process is right for you, click here.

2. Before you file for divorce, think about your goals for the ultimate outcome of your case. You can only make good decisions in choosing how to file, whether or not to try mediation or collaborative law, how to select an attorney, and how to proceed if you know where you want to end up when it’s all over.

3. Set your intentions with a Divorce Mission Statement. Know who you want to be when your divorce is over. If your top priority is your children, make sure that your decisions and actions are really in their best interests, not just yours.

4. If you choose to represent yourself, get enough information about how to behave in court and what forms you need in order to do it well.

5. Only you can make the best decisions that will determine your future. Do your homework, get information, speak to level-headed friends and qualified professionals (we find accountants and financial planners, and even therapists, are often as much or more helpful than a lawyer), and use self-reflection to decide what’s best for you. Don’t jump to conclusions or rush to a decision. You took years getting to this place, so don’t expect to solve everything in 2 minutes.

6. If the amount of money you’re fighting about won’t matter in 5 years, it probably doesn’t matter now, so let go of it. Sure, it’s more money than you’d leave for a tip, but will it really change your life?

7. Be organized. Use your professional fees wisely. Address your legal questions to your lawyer, and your psychological questions to a counselor or therapist. You may want to keep a notebook so your papers stay organized and in one place.

8. If your goal is “justice” or to “tell the judge my story”, keep in mind that no-fault laws, court over-crowding and pressure on judges to move cases through the system quickly means you’ll get very little time or opportunity to testify. In fact, you may not get the opportunity to testify at all. If you do get a chance to testify, the judge will make a decision that affects the rest of your life after hearing 5 minutes to a few hours of your story. Do you really want a stranger to make your decisions for you? Especially that quickly?

9. Take time to reassess your actions and goals and whether your path is taking you where you want to go. It’s easy to get caught up in the stress of court procedures, or to become entrenched in a specific position.

10. Your divorce will not go on forever (and you don’t want it to). There is an end. Things will get better. And no matter how hard it is to believe, when one door closes, another door opens. You really will move on, even if that’s tough to picture at the moment.

Adapted from “10 Things to Know Before Filing for Divorce” by Diana Mercer.

Warring couples are only half as likely to cite adultery as the cause of a marriage breakdown than they were 40 years ago, but claims of unreasonable behaviour have rocketed, analysis of more than 5m divorce cases has shown.

Co-operative Legal Services compared the grounds for divorce in the 70s, 80s, 90s and 2000s as well as the present day.

It found that while in the 70s, 29% of marriages ended because of adultery, the latest figures show only 15% of divorces were down to infidelity. In the 70s unreasonable behaviour was cited in 28% of cases but it now accounts for almost half of all divorces (47%).

Examples of unreasonable behaviour given to lawyers for divorce include an unsociable husband making his wife feel guilty when she wanted to go out with her friends; a cross-dressing husband who decided to have a sex change; and a spouse withdrawing all the family savings – £40,000 – and burning it in the bedroom.

Click here to continue reading this article from The Guardian.

However you decide to go about proposing mediation or collaborative divorce, it is important to convey to your spouse your willingness to consider his or her point of view on whether, when, how, and with whom to start the process. This sets the stage for successful negotiations once you get started. Here are seven simple rules to remember:

Do your homework. Find out about mediation or collaboration, how it works, what it costs, and who offers it in your area. Read a book. Talk to people knowledgeable about mediation and collaboration.

Do give neutral reasons to mediate or collaborate. Point out that mediation or collaboration is inexpensive for both of you and that it will help you come up with a fair and amicable settlement.

Do offer to share information. Tell your spouse what you’ve learned about mediators or collaborative lawyers in your area. If you have brochures or other printed materials from potential mediators or collaborative professional groups, offer copies to your spouse.

Do give your spouse choices. Demonstrate your willingness to be flexible from the beginning by asking your spouse’s opinion about your proposal. If you are proposing mediation, provide a list of several mediators to choose from, and ask your spouse to suggest a mediator.

Click here for more tips on how to propose mediation or collaborative divorce to your spouse.

When a new client comes into the office, a part of our initial discussion is which one of three forks in the road should the client take in this case. Is this a case that must be litigated because there are issues that only a Judge can decide? Are the parties able to retain the services of a 3rd party mediator to work through their divorce? What about the new kid on the block, this collaborative divorce idea?

Generally speaking, litigation is the default by the court and most of the lawyers. A client walks into the office and says that his or her spouse has been having an affair or has been treating his or her spouse in a cruel and disrespectful manner. Perhaps the spouse is abusive of the child or children or is trying to leave the area with the child or children. Those cases where there is or was domestic violence in the relationship, strongly held religious or ethnic differences or any other issue that polarizes the parties or where the trust factor is so low due to an affair; are the ones that usually have to be litigated.

Mediation works well where the parties do have a good level of trust and believe that the other party will negotiate in good faith. Both parties are willing to entrust the process to a 3rd party neutral mediator. Click here to continue reading this article from The National Law Review by Richard A. Gray.

Click here to speak to with one of our experienced mediators and find out if mediation is right for you.

No one enters into a marriage expecting it to fail. Still, more than 20 percent of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and 48 percent of marriages dissolve by the 20-year mark, according to 2006-2010 data from the government’s National Survey of Family Growth. Separation and divorce are emotionally difficult events, but it is possible to have a healthy breakup.

Cooperation, communication and mediation

The end of a marriage typically unleashes a flood of emotions including anger, grief, anxiety and fear. Sometimes these feelings can rise up when you least expect them, catching you off guard. Such a response is normal, and over time the intensity of these feelings will subside. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Researchers have found that people who are kind and compassionate to themselves have an easier time managing the day-to-day difficulties of divorce.

Try not to think of the breakup as a battle. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.

Click here to continue reading.

When divorce is an obvious solution to a disastrous marriage, it’s easier for kids to understand. If either parent is abusive to partner and kids, an addict whose habit has thrown the family into poverty, or a criminal in the world and a tyrant at home, it makes sense to children that the more balanced parent would want to take them away from all that.

When home is a place filled with tension, where everyone has to walk on eggshells to avoid a blowup, where the primary contact between the grownups is fighting and violence or seething hostility, kids often want out as much as one of their parents.

But what can the kids make of it when the reasons for the divorce aren’t so obvious? Adult reasons aren’t always appropriate to share with kids. The reasons you can share may seem lame to them. You’re not happy. You and your partner don’t share the same interests, activities, or goals. You or your partner is attracted to someone else. Sex isn’t what you think it should be. Daily life is boring at best; clouded by low-grade hostility at worst. Little decisions get left to one or the other. Big decisions seem impossible. Maybe there is a hidden addiction (gambling, shopping, Internet porn) that is eroding the marriage but isn’t visible to the children. You and your partner aren’t a team. You aren’t in love. You think life has to be better than this. But you’ve been wise enough to shield the children from your growing unhappiness.

Click here to continue reading this article from psychcentral.com.

Hartwell-Walker, M. (2009). Helping Kids Cope with Your Amicable Divorce. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 16, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/helping-kids-cope-with-your-amicable-divorce/0001558.